Evan’s Epic Story

This afternoon, my mom and Kayla and I drove to pick up Evan and Erica from their twice-a-week homeschool enrichment program at a local charter school. We had Enrique Iglesias blaring from the stereo as the two clambered into the car, and Evan immediately shouted, “You NEED to turn the music off! I have a story to tell you!” None of us could have predicted the extent of the epic-ness which was about to occur. His story, with the listeners’ commentary included, is as follows:

Evan: “So Nate and Max are really mean ninth graders. They’re boyfriend and girlfriend.”
Mom: “Wait, what do you mean?”
Erica: “They’re like stuck to each other.” (giggles)
Kayla: “That’s wrong.”
Evan: “Anyway, Nate is really big and – “
Erica: “He’s so fat, he can’t even skip, his feet are like BAM BAM!” (subsides into giggles)
Evan: “And somehow, I got stuck in front of him in line today. And he started unzipping pockets of my backpack. The teacher didn’t see! The teacher never sees when it really matters. I was like STOP! And all my pockets were unzipped and stuff was falling out. Then Erica called me to the back of the line – see I just love my sister ’cause she always sees everything and knows what’s going on.” (lovingly jabs Erica in the ribs with his elbow)
Erica: “OWW!!! Geez Evan!”
Evan: “Anyway, she pointed to Max and told me, ‘Evan, she got your ID card from Nate and – ‘”

Erica: “Evan, I did NOT say that.”
Evan: “Yes, you did!”
Erica: “Evan! I didn’t say anything! You’re making this up!”
Evan: “Then what person who looks like you and has your voice told me Max had my ID?”
Mom: “Wait, so Max is a girl?”
Evan and Erica: “‘Max’ is short for something.”
Me: “Maxine?”
Kayla: “Maxima?”
Me: “Maximus?”
Mom: “Maxi-Pad?”
Me: “MOM!!”
Mom: “Wait, is she pretty?”
Evan: “No.”
Erica: “Not really . .” (explodes into giggles)
Evan: “Anyway, I asked Max for my ID, but she said she didn’t have it. I told her to stop lying! The teacher came over and told Max to give me my ID, but she lied to the teacher. The teacher left, and Max wouldn’t give me my ID. Then Erica said, ‘Evan! It’s over there in the drain pipe!”
Erica: “Evan! I did NOT say that! I didn’t say anything to you!”
Evan: (Now looking confused) “Well . . then . . how did I know my ID was in the drain pipe??”
Kayla: “Maybe you have a guardian angel.”
Me: “Maybe you conjured a Patronus that looks just like Erica.”
Mom: “Wait, what’s a Patronus?”
Evan: “Well ANYWAY, someone who looks and sounds JUST LIKE Erica told me my ID was in the drain pipe. So I got it.”
Erica: “I didn’t – “

Evan: “THEN, when we were back in the classroom, the teacher called me and said I had to go to the office. Erica went with me because she’s nice and someone had to walk me there.”
Erica: “Yes, I did.”
Evan: “And the teacher said she knew exactly what I was thinking when I was walking over there – ‘I haven’t talked too much today, and I haven’t been too loud, and I haven’t had a fight – why do I have to go to the office?”
Mom: (sighs)
Evan: “So when we got there, Nate and Max were standing there and Nate said, ‘I’m sorry.’ And then I sat down.”
Mom: “Wait, he apologized, and then you sat down?”
Evan: “Yeah, then Erica whispered, ‘Evan, I think we can go now – “
Erica: “Oh my gosh! Evan, I did not say ANYTHING!”
Mom: “Wait, did Max say anything?”
Evan: “No, she just stood there.”
Erica: “Evan! She DID say something!”
Evan: “What??”
Erica: “She apologized for taking your ID. And THEN I told you we could go.”
Mom: “Wait, so you guys were all alone? No adults to help you solve the problem?”
Erica: “No . .”
Evan: “There was another boy with them though – he looked kind of weird. Like Joe Jonas.”
Kayla and Me: (hysterical laughter)
Mom: “Wait, why was Joe Jonas there?”

The car erupted into howls of laughter, yelling as Evan and Erica tried to talk over each other, groans of exasperation, and more shrieks of laughter. Then it went strangely silent.

Evan: “Wait. What’s a Maxi-Pad?”

True story.
Cassie(Originally posted 12/6/10)


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